Never Say Goodbye
by leahashley23
Summary: A story from Remus's perspective after Sirius's death in Order of the Phoenix


"_Never say goodbye, because goodbye means going away, and going away means forgetting."_

_~Peter Pan~_

It all happened so quickly.

There wasn't time to speak. There wasn't time to act. There wasn't time for a parting glance.

To Remus, it had been a blur. The scream, the green flash, the figure of his best friend falling, and Harry fighting his death grip.

Even after Harry ran away, it was hard to tell what had just happened. Remus was too lost in his grief to chase after him. He just stood where he was, watching as Tonks suddenly struggled to stand back up.

He glanced once more at the stone arch where Sirius had disappeared, and for the first time, in a long time, he felt completely and utterly alone. He looked around the room; all eyes were on him. Tears were threatening, and he couldn't let them see him cry. He blinked them away as best he could and ran as fast as he could.

Where he was going, he had not a clue. He just kept running. All the while, tears built up in his eyes, but he refused to let them fall.

Eventually he was having trouble breathing and had to stop. He sank to the ground and buried his head in his hands.

Oddly enough, the first image that popped in his head wasn't of Sirius, it was of Peter. It was a young Peter, reciting spells and failing miserably at them. Then it was James, ruffling his hair and tossing his golden snitch. Then Lily was laughing and Sirius was making stupid faces as they sat in class.

It was strange, Remus thought, how many things about someone can go unnoticed, until they're gone. It was silly things too, like the way their voice sounded when they got excited, or the way they subconsciously moved their eyebrows, or whether their bangs swooped to the right or the left, or even what their hair smelled like. Peter always quickly and in a high pitched voice when he got excited. James always winked with his right eye, but for some reason it made his left eyebrow twitch. When Sirius used to have bangs, the curls swooped to the right. And Lily's hair always smelled like strawberries.

He reached into his coat pocket and retrieved the folded up picture he had kept there for so many years. It had been taken by Lily's Muggle camera, so the figures didn't move. That didn't bother him, though. It was one of his favorite pictures. It from one night during their last year at Hogwarts. It showed James standing behind Lily, his arms wrapped around her tightly, his head leaning over her shoulder as he tried to kiss her cheek. Beside them, was Sirius trying to mock them by holding Remus's head in his hands and kissing his cheek. Remus only gave the camera a goofy, openmouthed smile. Behind them, Peter's head was just barely visible over Sirius's shoulder as he jumped to make the picture, flashing his most dramatic smile. The picture brought back memories of late night memories of late night kitchen runs, of pranks and last minute studying, or constant fun and endless laughter.

"Never say goodbye," he'd always told them. "Goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting."

Right then, forgetting seemed like the easiest thing. But they deserved better than that from their best friend. It took courage like Remus had never before known he possessed, to make himself remember. It was courage much unlike something the Order might require of him to face a boggart, or even Voldemort himself. But courage, he realized, was strange that way. It didn't always mean clenching your fists, gritting your teeth, and standing up to fight. Sometimes it was as simple as choosing not to forget. It was with that courage, that Remus was able to look at the picture and whisper, "This isn't goodbye. Not forever. It's just, see you later. See you, when I see you, some other time."

He sighed inwardly; it was just going to take some time, that was all. He'd lost them before. The grief never really goes away, he remembered. But with time, it starts to become more of a default feeling, so it becomes less painful.

Remus heard uneven footsteps approaching, and looked up to see Tonks limping towards him. She looked concerned, "Are you alright?"

"What are you doing? You should be resting after a fall like that," Remus purposefully ignored her question.

"I saw you run out earlier and I got worried," she said as she sat beside him. "I wanted to give you some time first, though. I'm really sorry about Sirius."

"Yeah, well it's not really anything you'd understand," he responded, finding it much easier to keep himself together if he acted mad instead of depressed.

"I just wanted to help," she said, the hurt was evident in her voice.

"Well thanks, but no thanks," Remus scooted away from her a bit.

"Remus, you're going to have to deal with your grief eventually," she told him, trying not to seem too disappointed as she moved closer to him again. "You might as well deal with it now before it becomes so bottled up that you burst."

"How would you know anything close to what I'm feeling right now?" he shouted. "You didn't spend twelve years of your life thinking your two best friends were dead, and that the third was a traitor!"

"Remus, I—"

He cut her off, "When I finally realize Sirius hadn't done anything wrong, it turns out Peter was the traitor! I gain one friend and lose another. How is that fair? Then I lose him too?"

"Life isn't fair, Remus!" Tonks shouted back. "I didn't come back here to be yelled at! I came back here to show you that you still have friends and people that care about you. Sirius wasn't the only one, okay? I know he was your closest friend, and no one can ever replace him. But did it ever occur to you that the one person you'd give your life to protect was crying with you and you let him get away?"

At that Remus looked at her with worry. She continued, "Harry was just out there fighting Voldemort while you sat here feeling sorry for yourself! If you hadn't noticed, all his friends are pretty much unconscious, and he could use some help!"

"Why didn't you say that before?" Remus said as he made to stand up quickly.

Tonks pushed him back down and shook her head, "It's too late. Dumbledore's taken care of it now. But Harry seems really upset. He loved him too, you know."

"I know," Remus sighed. He couldn't believe how selfish he'd been. If it hadn't been for Dumbledore, he would have lost Harry too.

"Don't be so mad at yourself," Tonks told him. "You made a mistake, but everything is fine now."

Remus nodded in response and they sat in silence for a while.

"It's a shame really," Remus thought aloud after a long time, "that he couldn't stay around longer."

"Who?" Tonks asked quietly.

"Death," Remus replied quite matter-of-factly.

She gave him a funny look, but he didn't explain, he only continued, "If he'd have stayed just a little bit longer, I would have greeted him as a old friend. I would have went with him gladly. As equals, we could have departed this life."

Tonks didn't respond; how could she? There was nothing left to say. She laid her head on his shoulder, and finally, all the tears he had been holding back for almost fourteen years came flooding down at once. Whether she heard him cry or not, Remus didn't care. It was time. Time to let it all out. Time to let it all go.


End file.
